Thursday, February 15, 2007

I feel compelled because I know nothing to write. I feel compelled to start every sentence with I--actually, the opposite. I feel resigned to start every sentence with I. A bunch of bad checks.

If you eat 9 HoHos in a row it makes you realize completely obvious things that you hadn't realized. Really only 6 HoHos. Is it the glucose, the swoop down into a gulley. Or low blood pressure. It's like I just got this body yesterday and I'm trying to figure out how it works. Isn't that ridiculous? No, it's like I'm 4 years old and I just got this body yesterday--like my brain is 4 years old but my body's 40 so that's what I do to it--trick it into acting like it would anyway. That's how stupid, I can't even say, "I" am. That stuff about going away from what you wrote for a time then coming back when you've forgotten it so you can add on, in this way predicting the future, or making the future, not sure I go for that stuff. I don't think it was ever familiar in the first place. Remembering anything takes it all out of me--and then still there's no remembering of certain activities, paying bills, childhood. What happened? Pictures help. I almost wrote I'm gonna go look at some pictures but I don't know where they are. Now I'm starting to delete delete delete so good time to quit.



Blogger cathye said...

I need some pictures of myself paying bills with captions that say who the biller is.

2:54 PM  
Blogger Ryan W. said...

stop deleting because I already read this. once someone comments you have to stop editing.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Ryan W. said...

I've always been intensely financially responsible so people who aren't, like you, my sisters and the people on the show on PBS last night about credit cards, those people are like aliens to me. I watched a show about credit card debt for 15 minutes last night and it made me feel better about my life, cuz it had all these pictures of people with dishes stacked up high in their kitchen, and husbands trying not to look emotional.

8:22 AM  
Blogger Ryan W. said...

I just noticed your blog is now called "how this affects you." I think that's better than "slow how." but it was something else between those two, I think.

8:25 AM  
Blogger Ryan W. said...

I just got a call from a cli/ent that made me feel good. b/c they wanted something done really fast. I feel like a superhero when someone says they need something done really fast. that's why I should always work in PR. cuz it's all about fast turnaround.

it's weird how oppressive things like awareness of starting sentences with 'I' can be. chris toll's poetry helps me with that, because he does a lot of repetition of sentence structures, combinations of parts of speech, things that I feel guilty when I do, but it's very comfortable in his poetry and ends up making things weird, I want to say "weirding things". it weirds things.

8:30 AM  
Blogger Ryan W. said...

I really think "how this affects you" is one of the best 2 1/2 or 3 1/2 blogs. and do you know why? because it hasn't stopped visibly learning how to use its body, like you say in the post. it hasn't mastered things too much.

8:32 AM  

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